A friend and I attended The Royal, Toronto’s big city attempt at a country fall fair. I was unable to make it over the last few years and forgot how good it is. Fall fairs are like cultural anthropology that happens close to home. There’s just something wholesome, quaint, and yet slightly off about neatly displayed jars of preserves, big piles of prize-winning sheared wool, and butter sculptures. I love it!

We went straight for my favorite part: the mutant veggies. I’ve really gotta try my hand at growing an out-of-control turnip or carrot one of these days. I’m too hung up on results-based gardening — turning out produce that is actually edible. I’m missing out on the time-honored tradition of making stuff HUGE just for the hell of it!

We concluded that it had to be a beet. Possibly a ‘Golden Beet.’

I’m disappointed in the lack of grotesqueness of this first place prize-winning potato. It’s too cute to be a prize-winning mutant. Reminds me of a baby seal.

No amount of roasting or Cuisinart trickery can transform this wooden zucchini into something edible. I suggest burning for warmth.

Octopods

The tag says, “8th Place for Most Unusually Shaped Vegetable.” Help.