Davin took this photo of me standing in the garden the other day, on the occasion of my 43rd birthday. It was drizzling at the time, but I was elated. It has been unbearably dry and hot here in Toronto for some time. I have never appreciated rain more than I have this summer. In many ways I have never been more appreciative in general than I am right now. I’m grateful to have the time that I have with this little piece of land and for everything it has taught me and continues to teach me. Simply put, I am also just grateful to be alive.
At 39 I felt ungrounded and worried about aging. I worried about how women become invisible after a certain age. Men age into silver foxes, but we are supposed to fight to stay looking youthful or suffer the fate of being deemed useless and DONE. And then nobody listens to us anymore because who cares what an old lady has to say, even when she’s the smartest, most well-equipped person in the room. I didn’t buy into this thinking, but I did worry about how I would navigate this cultural blindspot as my body changed and showed my age. I worried about money and if I would be able to continue making a living doing what I do. I worried about life and death and the future. I still worry about the life, death, and money stuff, but following the trials of the past year I am finding that I am suddenly content if not pleased with this age, with my grey hair that I will not cover up (I earned it!), with my messiness and vulnerability, with my power that I will no longer diminish to assuage anyone else’s insecurities, with my imperfect body that has been through so much yet has the ability to rebound and recover, and with my mind that knows what it wants and doesn’t want. I’m not who I was a year ago and certainly not who I was at 39. And that’s a very good thing.
When I started out writing about gardening I was in my 20s. I found that much of what I saw in the media seemed to be aimed at a particular demographic, primarily white people of means who were 40 and above. Being so outside of this demographic and having no experience with the comfort classes, I had no way to gauge its authenticity. As my career took off and urban, organic gardening became a thing, I was often asked to write for a younger demographic, thrifty, yet suspiciously also of means, another target group that felt as unreal as the first. All I knew was me and that is who I often said I was writing for: some version of myself out there in the world. I didn’t quite know who that was, just that it was not what was being sold to me, and who I was in turn told I should be “selling” to. As I began travelling to speak, I observed that my audience was consistently comprised of people from all age groups who did not appear to belong to any clearly definable and dominant group. The mythical Gardener seen in books and magazines did not appear to exist anywhere.
Three years into my 40s and I still find myself surprised not only to be in this age group, but that it well and truly is not at all how it was made out to be. I didn’t spontaneously morph into that mythical 40+ gardener anymore than I was the mythical hip (I loath this word), younger gardener. I’m who I was before, but with more hands on experience, knowledge, and skill under my gardening belt. I wrote the following the year I turned 40 and with every passing year it continues to be true even more-so.
The demographic is a hopeful prediction and a fiction of sorts. It is a flawed generalization and an attempt to identify and target a market that particular parties want to exist. It’s not who we are: these indefinable lovers of plants. These mad people who do not garden to improve the value of their properties or create Fabulous Curbside Appeal! Our gardens are not a weekend hobby, a flight of fancy, or a delightful diversion. They ask, “Well then, why do you put so much into gardening? What is the point?” And we don’t know (although we also do). It’s because we just have to.
Sixteen years in and this is what I am now sure about: marketers need to define demographic groups so they know who to target in order to sell more stuff. Who gardeners are is much more complex and not so rigidly articulated. We’re also way more awesome.
Call it an evolution, transition, metamorphosis, or a revolution, but I’ve been changing dramatically over the past 5 years. I’ve been shifting how I think about the act of gardening and what I want to say/write/teach about it. The biggest transformation has occurred within the last 12 months. I’ve questioned everything about my life and been careful and deliberate in how I want to move forward. What has not changed is that now if asked who I write for, I know wholeheartedly who I am and who I am speaking to. It is not a marketing demographic nor is it people belonging to any specific group, gender, class, race, or age.
We are, simply put, the people who garden because we have to.
Happy Birthday!
I just wanted to let you know that I stumbled across you and your books/podcasts. I’m not quite sure how, but what a magnificent find! I live in Saskatoon, and frequently travel to Barbados, and I LOVE our tiny backyard space. I like to call GIRLilla gardener. My spouse is a graphic designer too, and he listens to endless hours of me and the girls’ talking about plants. Maybe our paths will cross someday. Keep up the fantastic work!
Mel Brown
Amazing article! Thank-you for your vulnerability and rawness.
I am 44 and only 3 years ago learned the difference between an annual and a perennial. I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, multiple chemical sensitivities, A.D.D., asthma… Due to my invisible disabilities, I cannot garden to the degree that I would like to — my husband fills in when I’m in a flare or am having trouble breathing. I garden because I am mostly housebound and wanted something beautiful to look at. I garden as a way to try to be responsible to the Earth — food, plants for bees, plants for butterflies. I garden because I like to connect through touch. I garden because I like surprises.
Like you, I refuse to colour my hair. I have always wanted to see what Mother Nature would come up with on her own. And now the decision is no longer a choice because of the chemical sensitivities.
Have you ever thought of having a top bar beehive? They are smaller and lighter that a regular hive and are mainly for sustainable beekeeping. The honey is for the bees, although you can take 5-10 pounds for your own table or gifts (think Christmas, birthdays); we just gave some to friends as a wedding gift “Have a sweet life together.” We sit outside in the evening and watch the bees coming in and going out, lulled by the gentle hum coming from the hive. Magical and meditative.
Aging! You are only 43! My forties were probably my best decade. It is temporary. If you live long enough you will get OLD – like me. I am 74. Gardening has kept me healthy, fit and strong. The last couple years I have had to change my garden. Really raised beds, level carpeted cart wide paths. It took a year with my shovel and handy garden cart. I even chronicled it on a fledging blog.
http://www.steps2permaculture.com.
Take some advise from a older gardener. PLAN to be older. Really raised beds, level wide paths, perennial plants, ground cover is your friend.
And I do color my hair. Mother Nature gave me ugly dirty grey flyaway hair. I do not have to keep it.
PS , Happy Birthday.
Love your garden diverse and polyculture. Jumbled up like nature. Probavly thriving with all kinds of life. Looks like a Permaculture garden to me. My kind of garden.
I don’t subscribe to any one model, but, yes, you could call it a permaculture garden.
Happy Birthday and enjoy yourself whichever way you choose. I will be 61 in September and never coloured my hair and I enjoy every grey that comes up. Plus I use the money to buy non GMO seeds. I have been following you for more than 12 years and learned lots and lots of ‘goodies’. Thank you
Good point! It sure is expensive.
aging gardener HAHAHAHA OH I’m holding my sides!!!! I’m 77 and still gardening…can’t talk now I have to go out and check my two beehives Ohhahaha aging gardener. Too funny!
I do not color my hair, either, and I would like to see more environmental activists talk about how we can protect the water by banning hair dyes and bleaches.
It’s a radical act to be looking forward to our fifties and sixties, isn’t it?
Sadly, that seems to be the case. A lot of my friends died young so one way i pushed back against the messaging of our youth-obsessed culture was to acknowledge what a privilege it is to still be alive and to soak in every year of life rather than getting hung up on superficial nonsense.
I’m 61, but I’ve found that I can learn from brand new gardeners. I gave some propagating powders to a new gardener, and he successfully rooted a six foot long piece of dogwood branch that broke off in an ice storm! He didn’t know that was unlikely to work and didn’t tell me until it was done. I’m so glad I didn’t have the opportunity to talk him out of trying though.
I agree. We are all learners and teachers in our own way.
I have gone past the point where you suddenly become invisible. It was disconcerting, but it can also be an advantage to go where you please unnoticed and unhassled, almost like a cloak of invisibility! I’ve grown veg since I was 18, but there was also a change in how my gardening was perceived when I passed 40 – no longer bucking the trend but joining the stereotyped group of middle-aged, middle-class female gardeners, there has been a certain amount of patronising and trivialising of my ‘hobby’, especially from older, upper class men. Fortunately, since I only grow veg, and I’m not interested in ornamentals, I remain a revolutionary! Your garden looks beautiful, all the best with it.
I agree. There are advantages to being invisible. Often those who do not see me now are the ones who gave unwanted attention when I was younger.
I saw your comments on Twitter. You articulated that shift really well: from radical to stereotype. You haven’t changed; it’s the perceptions of others that have.
PUNCHING THE AIR going YES YES YES at this post.
Happy Birthday! I’m so glad you are well again and able to do what you love to do so much. I have been gardening for a very long time and like you I am not one of the garden club straight row gardeners. I learned as a child along side of my mother, who learned along side of her Cherokee grandmother. We also foraged for wild fruit and berries as well as well as nuts and “weeds”. I love your books and blog so much. Especially the pictures of your garden. By, the way my children are older than you. I will be 77 this September. So you see gardening keeps you young and happy.
I agree. It is a physical and psychological therapy, which is one and the same as we are body-mind not body AND mind.
Happy birthday and thank you for your books and this blog, which I have recently started to follow. As for the aging business, everyone has to make their own sense of the process. For example, I’ve been dying my hair for years but I honestly don’t know why I do. I must admit though, my female friends seem to get quite worked up about anyone having grey hair so maybe I do it for them, if that doesn’t sound too weird.
Getting back to the world of plants, I guess I first discovered my love of everything green many years ago when an aunt took me to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and gave me my first plants to care for in my parents backyard. Now, after a long period without a piece of land to care for I am happy to say that I have found heaven once again even if I am far away from New York City where I grew up. I currently live in Northern Italy and have a small allotment. Most Italian cities offer these spaces to anyone who is retired, which I am. I will be 66 later this month.
Every morning I happily get out early to do some work in the garden. My friends all ask me what motivates me, but ready answers are not forthcoming. I guess, as you said above, “it’s because we just have to”.
I am now off to plant my winter vegetables.
What a fantastic journey you are on!
Happy Birthday, Gayla, and what a wonderful photo of you looking resolute and empowered. I just passed birthday #60. I believe my fitness is closely related to my daily gardening chores, both physical and mental fitness. While my ? acre gardening space is a complete delight, having been cultivated for 26 years, my two story home will be my undoing. One of these days I won’t be able to navigate the steps and then I’ll be sad to have missed the window of opportunity to move myself and my entire plant collection to a more user-friendly home. I do not color my hair which is almost half and half gray and brown. When the salon talked me into trying some color, I detested the “feel” of my dyed hair; its texture was coarse and rough in comparison. My mother and grandmother both had brown hair into their 8th and 9th decades, with graying coming on steadily but never completely. Maybe that will be my fate, too. When plant lovers come together, they don’t see each other’s appearances or ages, they see compatriots who have “plants on the brain” and that is the feature that matters. It is futile to attempt place any other label on this group. May Sarton is popping into my brain just now. I must look up her quote about being swallowed up by the gardening impulse. And that’s not a bad thing!
That question mark in line four should read “one-third” acre…..
Happy Birthday, Gayla!! I am sure you had a great Remember age is only a number :)
This has to be one of my favourite posts, keep up the great work.
Happy belated birthday Gayla! That’s an awesome garden you have here! Very glad I found your blog :)
I have just passed by your blog and fell in love with it. I totally agree with your final thought. We are garden-lover, regardless of gender, language, race, etc,.
It’s great that you know wholeheartedly who you are now. I am on the way to find out about my true self! Thanks for your sharing, not only about gardening but also your beautiful soul!